Am I Really Selfish?
Last week, I went out to brunch with friends and I had the most amazing vegetarian lasagna.
I wasn’t sure about it when I first ordered it but something in my gut said “this is what you need to feed your soul today”. Veggie options can be hit or miss sometimes but this was so delicious.
I was ready to lick the plate clean.
I rarely ever eat all of my food but this time it was happening, faster than I even realized. When a friend asked me to try it. I was down to my last few bites and didn’t want to share.
When a wave of emotions came over me, questioning what would be the consequences if I said no?
Will they think I’m rude and selfish because it’s just one tiny bite? Will this be a deal breaker in our friendship ? Will this be the last straw? Do I have too?
These thoughts were quickly bombarding my mind when I decide to share a tiny piece (because I knew I was ordering seconds) and then a wave of relief came over me. I no longer had to question if I was a good person or not.
And this got me to thinking about bigger issues in my life when it comes to people pleasing and my fear of abandonment- it was easy for me to stop those moments and say no. But the little things would freak me out.
Something as simple as sharing a bite of food can stress me out.
The more work I do on myself, I realize the big choices and boundaries are easier (now) for me to set because it’s a life altering choice to NOT put others needs before my own.
Yet, in this moment I see how even the little things (sharing my food) triggers me and I need to take a step back and do some more healing work.
I know you may be thinking "it’s just food Lakisha chill out" but it’s apart of a bigger problem that most of us don’t realize.
Because growing up we were ALL taught to share and be kind to others (often times at our own expense). Think about it, we tell children “sharing is caring” and that “good” little boys and girls share with others.
Children are even forced to share in school! But we were never taught when it is okay (justifiable even) to say NO.
Have you ever stopped to wonder what those instructions are teaching our kids, as they get older?
Those habits don’t just go away in later years, the desire to be liked and deemed “good” still exist within all of us and turns into a people pleaser complex.
Truthfully, the things we learned as a kid stick with us until we accept it, disprove it and replace it with something else.
And right now I’m at this stage in my life where I’m learning more and more everyday when and HOW to say NO. Understanding that my choice to say no doesn’t make me selfish or a bad person.
I don’t have to judge myself for the times I said yes out of fear of abandonment because those are pieces of me that need my love and compassion.
But tell me if you have similar struggles. Is it hard for you to say no? Do you think you’re being selfish? What’ll does setting healthy boundaries trigger any parts of you?