You ever feel like you have no self control?
You KNOW you shouldn’t have another slice of pizza.
You KNOW you shouldn’t stay up late because you have to get up in the morning.
You know you shouldn’t tell your friends you’re going to hang out because you really don’t want too. But you do anyway.
Yeah well that’s how I use to feel about my EX!
I knew I wasn’t suppose to be texting him, let alone sleeping with him but I was and I KNEW better.
And all I could think about is the voice saying “if you know better, you’ll do better” —
HOW NOT TRUE IT IS!
Because I knew he wasn’t the one for me. I knew he would never change.
I knew he would never give me what I wanted/needed.
I knew he wasn’t my soulmate because of the way he treated me. He would pop in and out of my life with bullshit excuses, constantly leaving me questioning where I stood and if he really cared.
Yet, I welcomed him back with open arms. (Pause: I made him beg a little but I still took his sorry ass back thinking this time would be different).
But nothing changed.
I never really expected them too.
My tears and sleepless nights became pointless because NOW I was hurting myself!
Because I knew better.
But the fear of being alone made me stay.
The fear of another failed relationship made me stay.
I feelings of unworthiness, grew stronger and stronger with every lie.
I kept thinking, if could just close off my feelings for him and still text/sext that wouldn’t have to face the feelings of being alone and I could still start dating and attracting a new man.
But it never worked.
He would still PISS ME OFF!
I couldn’t turn off my feelings.
(I had too much invested in this relationship working. And I know you are nodding your head right now because you agree. You’ve been there. Shit you might be there right now).
And when I mustered up the courage to leave - I just attracted another emotionally unavailable man who wanted to play games. But of course, things were great in the get to know you stage and I spent tons of time smiling but I would ignore the red flags and signs that SCREAM RUN GIRL, RUN!
I started to question if I would ever find a guy who would love me, respect me and want me as much as I want him.
But I wasn’t ready to give up hope.
I couldn’t keep preaching men ain’t shit!
I had to figure out what was REALLY going on.
So I grabbed my Journey, light a candle and balled my eyes out. I told myself I needed to go deep so I did.
I got to the root of my problem.
Drum roll please....
And I know most women are aware of their issues with their father I knew it was deeper than him not being there.
—-> My Father breaking up with my Mom when I was a baby made me feel like it was a personal attack on me.
You see my parents have two other children together, so why was it that after I was born, things had to end.
Why did he leave?
Why didn’t he make an effort to be there for me?
Why didn’t he call?
Why wasn’t he at my birthday parties?
What was more important??
The more words started to fill the page, the more I realized, the questions I had for my Father were questions I had once asked a lover.
Why didn’t he call? What was more important? Why did you leave?
I began to realize my issues weren’t with all men but JUST ONE!
And from there, crying my eyes out - I began to heal.
I began to forgive.
I began to love my father.
Because I needed to have a different experience and I don’t know why he left and I may never find out but I do know I AM WORTHY OF LOVE.
I am worthy of someone sticking around.
I am worthy of happiness.
And so are you!
But in order to get there, you have to stop running from your past.
You have to be willing to address what lead you to this moment reading this post, dating that person.
Where did it all begin?
From that place (that clarity) you will begin to heal!
Healing comes transformation!
And no longer attracting and dating emotionally unavoidable people.
If you’re ready to experience NEXT LEVEL HEALING AND TRANSFORMATION- I have two spots open to work with me privately.
Slide in my DMs for more info.