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All I could was cry

Updated: Nov 22, 2020


I can and will literally cry about everything.

The first thing I (use to) do when things weren’t going my way was CRY, no matter how big or small the situation was. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. Even something as simple as getting the wrong address to a restaurant to meet up with friends would send me into a ball of tears, feeling like no one REALLY wanted to hang out with me.

I would call my Mom crying expecting her to solve all of my life problems (even though I know she can’t) but it felt comforting to talk to her. But by the time we would get off the phone and I’d realize what was wrong and I’d start crying heavier than before.

Disappointed in myself for NOT preventing the situation in the first place and feeling powerless to get myself out of it. My emotions would get the best of me and I just thought that was how life had to be.

Imagine a two year old throwing a temper tantrum because that was me.

Feeling like I can never get anything right. And it seemed like every life experience played into that belief. YES, I would wake up everyday smiling but on the inside I was emotionally drained and was dying for a change.

Not just a change in attitude because thinking positively wasn’t going to cut it on this. I needed to UPGRADE my energetic minimum in what I would and wouldn’t allow into my life.

And so I tried a bunch of shit until I figured it out and got GROUNDED. I STOPPED believing that my love, safety, and security lived outside of me. NOW when things were going wrong around me, yeah it may have upset me but I STOPPED allowing it to consume me.

Things began to just roll off my shoulders.

So when I planned my trip to Tulum and only reserved my Hotel room for 3 weeks (just to check out the place) I knew I needed to quickly figure out WHERE I was going to stay after that.

But I instantly loved my place and knew this is where I wanted to live for my entire stay in Tulum. I talked to a guy at the front desk about a discounted rate since I would be staying longer and he said the holiday season is a VERY busy time for them but he would see what he could do.

Weeks quickly went by and I still had no new reservation.

Now here it is 3 days before my reservation is complete and I haven’t seen the guy who was suppose to be helping me get a better rate. So I go on to try my shot online when I realized that my hotel is COMPLETELY SOLD OUT.

All the damn rooms were booked, no matter how I tried to play around with the dates. And my heart started to race because that meant I had less than 3 days to find somewhere to live and hope it isn’t overpriced.

The tears began to build up but this time something was different. An energy just washed over me that said don’t worry, everything is going to be okay.

The old me would have taken this as a sign to freak out and head back to the States. But the upgraded me - took this as an opportunity to elevate. So I took a couple of deep breaths and went to speak with someone at the front desk. It was someone new who I hadn’t previously discussed the arranged but I just knew he would be able to help me.


Not only was I able to keep my same room, I got it for a lower rate than the other guy could even authorize. Everything was working out for me - just like I knew it would. No anxiety attack required because there is ALWAYS A SOLUTION that for my highest good.

This time would be no different.

I skipped away from the desk so proud that I didn’t emotionally draining myself over a temporary setback.

I just relaxed. I just trusted.

And I know most of you are reading this thinking couldn’t have been me - I would’ve been so fucking pissed at myself for waiting for the last minute and at the hotel for not talking to me in advance about paying up front. And you would be right - every emotion and reaction is valuable but being angry and upset all the time is emotionally taxing and I know you’re sick and tired of it.

Because I was.